Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:
13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
After giving birth to a son, a woman started to devote most of her energy to take care of the baby. And as time goes by ,the baby has become a boy ,and then a man. However ,his mother still wants to keep close to him and she is afraid that her son is taken away from herself by another woman. When the another woman comes up ,a fight for a man between the two women will start.
导读：「婚前13问」来自于纽约时报，BY： ELEANOR STANFORD | NewYorkTimes
When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know really can hurt you.
Whether because of shyness, disinterest or a desire to preserve romantic mystery, many couples do not ask each other the difficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage, according to relationship experts.
In addition to wanting someone with whom they can raise children and build a secure life, those considering marriage now expect their spouses to be both best friend and confidant. These romantic-comedy expectations, in part thanks to Hollywood, can be difficult to live up to.
Sure, there are plenty of questions couples can ask of each other early in the relationship to help ensure a good fit, but let’s face it: most don’t.
“If you don’t deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you’re married,” said Robert Scuka, the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. It can be hard to keep secrets decade after decade, and reticence before the wedding can lead to disappointments down the line.
“有问题如果不在婚前处理的话，就需要在婚后处理，”全美关系增进研究所(National Institute of Relationship Enhancement)的执行总监罗伯特·斯库卡(Robert Scuka)说。实在是很难年复一年地保守秘密，而婚前的缄默可能会导致后面的失望。
The following questions, intimate and sometimes awkward, are designed to spark honest discussions and possibly give couples a chance to spill secrets before it’s too late.
- Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
The similar scenarios are very common in China. A controlling mother-in-law ,a disappointed wife, a sandwiched husband, and a neglected father-in-law make up a family. Ironically , after the wife gives birth to her own son,it is likely that she will follow in her mother-in-law’s steps.
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
A relationship’s success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family’s dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them.
伴侣研究所(Couples Institute)的创始人之一彼得·皮尔逊(Peter Pearson)指出，一段关系的成功与否取决于如何应对分歧。他说，鉴于我们都会受到自己家庭的影响，这个问题将让你一窥伴侣到底是会模仿父母的冲突化解方式，还是会加以避免。
- Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
In these families,there are many conflicts between the family members,because of the disordered family systems and unclear boundaries.
With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth-control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, saidMarty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.
离婚与情感问题顾问黛比·马丁内兹(Debbie Martinez)表示，谈到孩子的问题，重要的是，不要只说你觉得伴侣爱听的话。结婚之前，情侣们应该坦率地讨论是否生小孩？生几个？什么时候生？想象中自己当父母会是怎么样的？性爱与婚姻咨询师马蒂·克莱因(Marty Klein)表示，在计划怀孕之前讨论避孕方法也很重要。
- Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, pointed to research his organization has sponsoredthat indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. (This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones.) Raising these issues early on can help, Dr. Wilcox said. Dr. Klein said people are “hesitant to explicitly talk about their past” and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. “The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple,” he said.
弗吉尼亚大学全美婚姻项目(National Marriage Project)的主任布拉德福德·威尔科克斯(Bradford Wilcox)，援引旗下团队支持的研究指出，假如之前有过许多严肃的关系，则可能带来离婚或婚姻质量较低的风险。（或许是因为，这样的人经历了更多惨痛的分手，可能会将当下的伴侣与前任进行不利的比较。）威尔科克斯博士认为，一早提出这些问题会有所帮助。克莱因博士则称，大家“不愿直截了当地谈及过去”，还可能对以前的事情产生嫉妒或苛责的感觉。“以亲密、有效且关爱的方式进行此类对话的唯一办法是，接受对方和你在一起之前是有历史的，”他说。
- How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr. Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr. Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how thechildren’s religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.
- Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
We can regard a family as a system. There are some sub-systems in this system,such as couple sub-system, parental sub-system, sibling sub-system and so on. If these sub-systems function well ,then the family system is healthy. If one of the sub-system is disfunctioning ,and the other sub-systems may be affected as well as the whole family system.
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
It’s important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your incomeand your partner’s, Dr. Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.
- What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
For an example ,if a mother is too close to her son and she loves her son more than her husband,then the husband will feel as if he is an outsider of the family,and he may try to get close to his son,but always suffers from failure because of the mother’s over protection of the son. And then the husband will become critical to her wife or he will be more and more distant,and may even have an affair. Meanwhile ,although every child is instinctively eager to get along with and be loyal to both of parents,when he feels the conflicts between his parents ,he may think that he has to be more loyal to mom than dad, and he will get closer to his mom. And because of the closeness with his mom,he will consider himself as sitting on the shoulder of his mom ,so he may feel as if he is equal to his dad and he will take place of his dad to be the husband of his mom.
Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Mr. Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.
- Can you deal with my doing things without you?
In this example ,the couple sub-system and the parental sub-system are messed up. It is possible that the son will misbehavior,because he is confused with his role in the family. He is wondering whether he is a son or a husband.